Wednesday, November 29, 2006
@2:28 AM
i wonder. have i been wrong all this time ?
wrong about my own friends, the people who truly care.
all this while, ive been thinking of her as a friend, and yet, backstabbing her in front of you, for your own pleasure.
you threaten me with a loss of our friendship if i did not hate her ..
the lost of our friendship which i once thought was so strong, but was instead fragile as glass, breakable upon the first obstacle .. while the one i built with her ..
it has been so strong .. so strong that it encounters no obstacles.
you threw a temper in front of me when you found out i still regarded her as a friend ..
i humoured you, hoping you would forgive me, but now that i think back.
what could you forgive me for ? not letting you control me ?
in jealousy you hate her. you say she deserves nothing she has.
you say she'll get her retribution one day.
who are YOU to say that ? how do YOU know that she didnt deserve it ?
you hate her .. for her single transgression agaisnt you.
what was wrong with what she did ? she had been in the dark of what she had done wrong ..
or maybe, at that point of time, she did have malice in her heart ..
but you never gave her a chance to show you she had turned over a new leaf.
instead, you continued putting her down, showing a fake facade in front of her while stabbing her in the back when all was dark.
i feel like kneeling in front of her and apologize for everything that i have done, but its too late now, all just too late.
im guilty. im a traitor. im not worthy for her to call me her friend.
she never tried to on purpose make me feel bad. you did.
you told me to get lost when it suited you.
you begged me to be around when you wanted it.
like a dog i followed you.
that day .. on the one day i knew that whatever facades could be dropped and all would be meaningless ..
she still cared. she comforted me. she tried her best to help me.
but you .. you .. you gave a simple glance, and cast me aside to pursue your own wants.
how long would it have taken to show your nonexistant concern ?
you could have lied. just for that one last time.
she knew that you hated her. she knew i listened to you.
she knew she could have stepped on me and laughed on that day,
but instead, she cared.
you never wanted to help me. never. you let me help you out of the worst times of your life,
but you never helped me in my simplest problems.
you put me down when it suited you,
pretended to lift me up when everyone else did.
i need confirmation.
i feel worthless. ive hurt everyone who truly cared.
ive tried my best to love those who never loved back.
i hope you get what you deseve soon.
you who wallow in your own pool of pity, thinking everyone should love you,
because YOU are the one who has gone through all the suffering,
because YOU are the one that knows all pain.
let me tell you something, you know NOTHING.
but she does. she knows the pain of being alone,
the pain of not knowing who to trust,
the pain of wanting to turn back the clock so much ..
you try to exclude me in everything you do,
you try to get everyone to exclude me,
while pretending youre trying to help me.
i just want to start a new life.
one that you wont mar.
why wont you just let me do that ?
you have to appear in everything that i do.
in the one place where i had hoped so badly i could find consolence ..
find the answer why i still wanted you to accept me so badly,
youre there, excluding me again.
please, someone, tell me.
tell me you truly care.
tell me youre not pretending to care.
tell me ..
tell me you care for me.
tell me youre truly my friend.
if anyone could just say that they are my friend for who i am,
through all my darkest days,
like how she did ..
then perhaps i wouldnt be a meaningless existence after all.
