apologies should be made only for what was done conciously, under the knowledge that what was done was wrong.
right now all i have to apologise about was not reading your mind before ever knowing you.
loneliness. perfection. undeleble. regret. bitterness.

yes i feel the emo too.
the photos need to come up soon.
i need the laughs.

okay mild attempt at drama. cant help it.
no, oc isnt the famed, and much loved, orange camp.
it stands for something that rivals the orange camp.
my orientation camp ! whoo !

yes. the cheering has gotten into me.
AHS. school of bonding.
and cheering is one of their teachers.

yes. all the fun.
fun in volans. fun in OG2.
fun with 2 wonderful OGLs.
fun with wonderul OGMs.
fun with the help of God. yes.

owe Sophia the photos of her and Marcus.
the phrase alone suggests itself.
she can rest assured.
if in any case, the 'wedding photos', almost literally, didnt satisfy her,
she could always get another person's [ literal ] view on the matter,
with either Ada or Min Le's handphone.
im sure theyll be happy to oblige.

ps. the only that could complete my sense of joy right now was to take a full bucket of water and dump it on ..
but lets not scar this happy post with words of malice.
or revenge.

orientation tmr, i havent packed.
i dont want to go.
i dont want to stayover.
i dont want to be surronded by people i dont know.
i dont want to live in the school for three days.
i can see nothing good that might come out of this.
should have gone to tkgs.
all crap. now i know better.
AHS is THE best. =)) #301206

today was worship practise.
must admit, a whole new experience for me.
singing sucked and got steadily worse throughout the day.
sore throat. went to tania the beast's house after that. fun. nice food, too.
learnt to appreciate the worship leaders like byron, taiyu, nina, and the rest.

its getting abit hard to mean what i sing now that orientation looms.
right now, i mean more of what i sing than i ever did.
thank You, dear Lord, for this blessing.
#301206

rain rain rain rain.
wow.
trapped at home because of the rain.
parties cancelled because of the rain.
duties unfulfilled because of the rain.
desires set aside because of the rain.

sorry sam, i still owe you your pens.

i dont wanna go for orientation camp.
its a stayover and its for two nights.
why wasnt it longer ? #301206
thats three days for me to feel extra and unwanted in an alien enviroment.
lets face it, im not your popularity home coming queen. no one to cling on.
just fab.
allayed fears by the overwelming team spirit of AHS. #301206

10 favourites

1. colour : black & white; silver. red & blue ?
2. food : dont get me started.
3. song : dont keep me here till tmr.
4. movie : um. no chance to watch.
5. sport : table tennis [ heh. hannah. ]. basketball. um, BRIDGE considered ?
6. season : winter. with snow.
7. day(s) : friday. saturday. sunday.
8. ice-cream : ben's and jerry's. haagen daaz.
9. books : lotr [ lindsays cackling ]. harry potter. dan brown. mitch albom. um, everything else.
10. soft-toy : um . uhhhhhhh.

9 currents

1. mood : wary. tired. busy. know theres alot to do but not doing.
2. clothes : PJs. going to sleep.
3. desktop : blogger post screen la.
4. toenail colour : um. i dont do makeup.
5. time : 12.29am.
6. annoyance : tmr's orientation camp.
7. thought : orientation camp. stayover. taskete, Kami-sama.
8. boy/girlfriends : dont ask.
9. books im reading : lotr. christian perspective on contemporary youth issues.

8 first

1. best friend : stephanie.
2. crush : who gives.
3. movie : um. les miserables.
4. piercing : um. i dont injure my body.
5. lie : mum thought i would be a wonderful kid.
6. music : should be jazz.
7. car : kiddy roller.
8. handphone : um. some bulky thing.

7 lasts

1. last cigar : in six years.
2. last water : plain water.
3. last car ride : waiting for own car. um, audi TT. =)
4. last crush : current one. not telling who.
5. last movie : material girls. how long ago was that ?
6. last phone call/msn chat : zx saying hi. prob asking about saturday church.
7. last CD played : um. coldplays x&y. oh no. wait. tania's final destination.

6 have you evers

1. dated 1 of my best friends : um. their mostly girls, gays, or attached. so no.
2. arrested : not yet. matter of time.
3. broken the law : i guess.
4. skinny-dipped : uhhhh. socially appropriate answer, nope. =).
5. been on tv : yeeeaaaah.
6. kiss someone you know : um no.

5 things you are wearing now

1. blue track shirt.
2. track shorts.
3. i wear light to sleep.
4. refer to 3.
5. refer to 4.

4 things you have done today

1. searched for food.
2. went and sang throat out at worship practise.
3. played o2jam.
4. missed my busstop.

3 things you can hear right now

1. rain on rooftop.
2. flipping of page of my book.
3. fingers tapping on keyboard.

2 things you cant live without

1. God and my church.
2. my sleeping pills.

1 thing you regret now

1. losing all my high distinction certs from NSW exam [ on last count, about 10 ];
what a waste. could have entered NUS high with them.

12 people you would want to do this quiz
anyone who's bored.
just rip it off my blog, cos i know you want to. heh.

Ah yes. Christmas.
I really couldn't believe the number of gifts i received.
Never really thought anyone cared.
Never thought i could be so happy.
I'm glad i joined Christalite Methodist Chapel.
It's somewhere where i actually feel at home at.
And i thank Lindsay and God for bringing me here.

Yes. Service. Actually listened in sermon.
Gotta learn to do that more often.
After service. Might as well name it giving presents time.
Daryl gave me a clock. Oh well, im not THAT supersticious.

Had an informal gathering among youths after service.
Playing bridge and stuff.
Oh men, that was fun.
Won every single game and taught Lynette. My new TUDI.
I really think shes my lucky star. Heh.

Went to Marina with;
Boon Teck, Lun Tat, Lynette, Tania, Daryl, Lin, Amos, Rui Jing, Amos, Melody and self.
That's right, self.
For the first time in a long while i actually felt present in the scene.
Not like some onlooker that was dead to the world.

Later returned home to all aunts and uncles.
I really appreciate the warm gestures and conversations, not to mention the presents, but it seems like we are drifting apart.
I didnt feel like socialising.
It doesnt have anything to do with awkwardness.
We just had nothing in common to talk about.
Or maybe i never really tried.
I think im too much of an attention seeker.
I dont like that.

Yes. But the most important thing today, was the sermon.
Amazing how much i learnt.
Makes me wonder how much ive missed out on.
Learn men was created for the glory of God.
I say learnt because i never really gave it much thought.

But anyway.
I thank God for a fruitful and, in a way, although not physically, restful day today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS !
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR ME ! =)

someone tell me the answer to a question ive been wanting to know for so long.
WHICH IS BETTER;
ACJC OR SAJC ??
and i dont just mean in marks.
character building, cca, all that stuff.
which should i go to ?? =)

heh. someone tell me ! =)

lets do an official statement. varsha krishnan is not in the link list because.
i changed the blogskin but didnt like the new version so changed back.
but the list i used was suuuuuuppppperrrrrrrrr outdated. so thats why alot of people are missing. linkin her nowwwwwwww ..

why is there nothing on tv after midnight ?
im boooooooored ..

i dont want to write anymore of my problems.
useless. writing them here doesnt help me.
whos going to help me.
im so tired of all the politics, manipulating and so called 'strategies'.
i dont want to care anymore.

maybe i should look at things,
with a less naiive perspective.
stop looking at things the way they are presented.
for reality is not the way you want things to look, or the way they are like, but the way things really are.

i thank God for church.
its a light in my life.
i want to start my new life in anglican.
with my trustworthy friends.

i love all of you in church.
your faiths in God are so strongly set.
i envy you, im not afraid to admit.
heh. standing next to all of you.
i feel unworthy.
i probably am.
arent i ?
God i know you still love me.
even though you are the most perfect of all.

i saw them smoking.

i actually liked the fumes.

is the secondhand smoke finally getting to me ?

ARGH. SOMETHING IS WRONG.
I LOST ALL MY OLD TAGS.
ALL THREE HUNDRED PLUS.

oh well. heres some tag replies.
flood my tagbox again. =)

lindsay; heh. dont be crazy la. JIAJIN AND KEITH ARE LYNETTES !! =)

lynette; yes. zixiang is THE evil one. -but- heh. lalalala =)

back from carolling.
brief update.

missing carolling already. heh. it was fun.
the first item was this band singing rock songs.
they sang the song, "we are the reason",
and as they repeated the chorus, i felt really touched.
it was as if God had touched me there and then.

we sang and later went for refreshments.
lynette was really pitiful .. for .. certain reasons .. xD
ZIXIANG IS REALLY EVIL !!
but still a good bridge player xD
omg laughed SO MUCH with lynette, tania, melody and co.
tania tried to kill me on the stairs on the way to carolling.

later went for dinner with everyone.
drove by liang fu. thanks =)
even chai hwa went.
went home with chai hwa, melody, keith and jiajin.
fun-ness.

IM BACK FROM CAMP !!
wasnt in much of a mood to blog but cant really resist.
wasnt as good as umad 4 but still want to go back.
if youre not interested, you better scroll to the bottom fo the post.
here goes.

14 DEC, THURSDAY.

travelling to malaysia was pure fun-ness. praise junie for bringing cards ! =)
played tai tee with daryl, lynette, junie, boon teck, tania, dsen, byron, adel, jia jin, wei rong&co.
stopped for lunch at Yong Peng before moving on to our destination.
played even more cards. shared earphones with daryl. music was unsuitable.
linus came up with a cheer. it was so. off.

split into our rooms and had a little mix up.
later split into our youth groups.
in my group was fu wei, mark, lynette, sherman, debra, jeremy, stephanie, keith, jeredy,amanda, hsin ching, hsin wei, and dsen.

we had to make the tallest structure using straws. oh wow.
my group was fantastic. we made the tallest, most unstable structure,
and kept it up by BLOWING it when it fell. as you can guess, we only managed ten secs.
someone was wu liao enough to count. linus, i think. cant be sure.
chose our mortals. got lynette at first. but then we had to swap and i got fuwei.
weirdness.
slept at about two.

15 Dec, Friday
breakfast. worship. sermon.
had this talk on body language and we were to find out which group we were in.
the groups were supporter, analyzer, promoter and controller.

theres something deeply ingrained into my mind.
the guy was asking.
speaker: I NEED A TALL, DARK, HANDSOME GUY AS A VOLUNTEER.
someone [ immediately ]: ZIXIANG !
in a state of total disbelief, i was shocked a guy had said that.
later the mystery was solved. the person who said that was .. zixiang himself.

hannah, danielle and me were classified CONTROLLER, something we had guessed we would be beforehand.
as danielle would say. AMUSING.
also, the speaker had mentioned supporters were wishy washy people.
so this was how me and hannah acted it out.
me [ as controller ]: wanna go out for a movie ?
hannah [ supporter ]: anything la.
me: want some popcorn ?
hannah: anything la.
me: what movie do you want to watch ?
hannah: anything la.

hahahahas.

later me, danielle and hannah were laughing about the handshakes.

had group discussion. juls and adel are good leaders !
me and hannah are just too disruptive =).

that night, during free time, we learnt bridge.
more like, lindsay, nat and junie learnt bridge i already knew how to play.
adrielle taught nat, juls taught junie and liang fu taught lindsay.
zixiang and ven were also there.
later, when the seniors let us play, we each had a guide because the others werent too sure.
i got zixiang. when he came in, junie said hes ungelled hair made him look like ..
DONALD DUCK. and the name stuck.
later, when he was being evil in the game, adrielle said.
WHY DOES YOUR SHIRT HAVE THE WORDS RAGING THUNDER.
so he thought me some stuff [ good teacher ].
lindsay said he was corrupting me, and said i was evil enough.
zixiang said thats why i was qualified to learn from him. heh.

later ven, juls and zixiang left and boon teck, daryl, gabriel, fern, lynette and hsin wei came in.
played and played. later fern, gabriel, hsin wei, daryl, lynette and me went to lynettes room to play.
party was crashed by chai hwa.
slept at about four.
GABRIEL IS DISGUSTING.
DARYL IS WEAK.

16 Dec, Saturday
we were supposed to have games that would make us wet and dirty.
most were reluctant.
me, amanda, lynette and debra went right to the back so we wouldnt have to go first.
i prayed for rain.
so did many others, it appeared as in five minutes.
chai hwa: EVERYONE GO TO THE SHELTER.
most: PRAISE THE LORD;
GOD IS GOOD !

pity the game ics though. they put in so much effort.
later went to meeting room and had some "LIGHT" games.
RIGHT.
had fun nite.
FUNNY.
our group ramah probably lost the most.
thanks to linus's WONDERFUL CHEER.
oh and discovered.
fuwei and zixiang were above 185 cm.
IWANNABEASTALLASMYMORTAL.

stayed up with keith, lynette, jiajin, wei rong, daryl, jeredy, dsen, hsinwei, tania, amos & rui jing.
told ghost stories, played cards and polar bear.
some went up.
supposed to wait for sunrise.
keith had to go back at four because zixiang was expecting him.
he promised to call us in the morning to wake us up.
he asked for our room numbers.
then realised he and zixiang stayed right next door.
im 612, theyre 610. LITERALLY, seperated by a wall.
i promised him hell be in no trouble because NO ONE would stay up till FOUR,
to find out if he's rommmate obeyed hes curfew.
keith said zixiang was a light sleeper.
later, after leaving tania's room, i went back down.
keith was there. zixiang was sleeping. hahahahahahahahahahahahas.

talked and talked.
went up later because lobby was hot. keith said would call us.
slept at about six plus.
woke at around seven.
realised NOONE saw sunrise cause we overslept.
but later found out sunrise couldnt be seen from hotel.
hahas. linus found out some of us were sleeping in lobby.
but we didnt get into trouble. heh.
during service, me and lynette were so sleepy we werent interested at all.
lynette fell asleep.
when she woke, we went out of room with gabriel, hsin fern and co.
talked on stairs.
linus alerted us as to when to return in time for holy communion.

went back to singapore.
stopped at chardin. ULTRA NICE FOOD.
charles ate like a beast.
was fun.
returned to singapore.
ate dinner with daryl and co. went home.
weeee. chapel camp.
I LOVE BRIDGE.
I LOVE BRIDGE !!

today. carolling.
was drenched when reached chapel.
had to change into umad tshirt.
had carolling.
went home.
was drenched on way home.

yes. yesterday.
took mell's award [ or at least A+ ] winning thesis with me as we parted at the mrt after collecting her shoes from plaza sing.
rushed to suntec to meet teacher for movie .. to not find them.
rechecked joanne's sms to make sure that i was at the right place .. i was.
tried calling her .. no response ..
so i smsed mc. he sent this guy out to get me.
all hail the wonderful mc. yeah right.

watched the movie. apparently, my teacher's church was inviting peeps to watch. right.
talked to teacher. stupid mc got to eat swenson's cause hes group won in some camp. right.
took train home with pam. right.
that was fun.
did some work. read mell's thesis. did more work. scouted for job.
so tired slept at eleven.

"love is just another word. what really matters is what the word implies."
- the matrix.

"and i write your name in braille,
so when my eyes are blind,
with my tears of blood,
i can stil see your name."
- sam.

wth. jay chou i hate you.
your songs make me freaking emo.

youll never guess where i am ..
i am in NUS using the library's computer !! small cpu, huge monitor.
we just emerged from a room with comfy chairs and vending machines.
one of them is this sandwich machine that grills the sandwich on the spot for you in ninty seconds ! the last time i saw that it was in the general hospital and i got addicted to the erm ..
addictive taste ??

the machine wouldnt accept crumpled notes so me and lindsay took turns stuffing out notes into the machine .. to watch it being rejected .. and to stuff it in again .. =)
lindsay gave up and went back to our table .. the moment she sat down,
my note got accepted !! hahas !! =)
i got a cup of icelemon tea and sat down to savour my sandwich.
lindsay watched me eating it with relish, got hungry again and asked me to help her put the note in. the more we put it in, the straighter it got !!
on the second try, the note was accepted .. =)

yesterday, after we had gotten back from plaza sing to repair mell's shoes,
this old man stopped us when we got off the bus to ask the time.
i was like okay .. the time .. mell give the time and lets go ..
did that happen ? oh nooooooooo ..
the man started talking about chinese HISTORY !!
im DREADING history in sec school .. and here he is ..
and he goes yadayadayadayada .. and suddenly i heard ..
singapore broke off from malaysia in 1983 ..
i was like ? HUH ??? WASNT IT IN 1965 ??
so then i was thinking thinking .. my brain was burning up .. i was feeling like an idiot ..
then i realized .. WAH, SINGAPORE ONLY 23 YEARS OLD HUH ?
DUMBASS. want to talk, talk correct la ! dont talk cock.

after wasting and wasting our time, mell finally said .. sorry, we are in a rush ..
then the man was like .. oh okay, lets go under the tree, its cooler there.
i was like !@#$% !! HE STILL DOESNT GET THE HINT ??
HES LIKE DENSER THAN DARYL LA. then he talktalktalk ..
he asked if we were Christians .. and we were like .. YEAH ..
and he was yadayadaydayda about how christianity was fake and blah blah blah ..
i was going to push him into the road ..
then mell was like .. erm .. you have your views, we have ours, and we have different beliefs from you. then we ZAO.

the man dunno STALKING MELL OR WHAT, he followed behind us and asked our names ..
mell was like .. keep walking, keep walking .. then we answer while walking and walking as fast as we could ..
just as we were about to start running, or slap him on the face, both options were appealing,
he turned and went home, thats when we realized he wasnt following us,
just walking home.
HAHAS, mell lives less then two streets away .. poor thing ..
kekekeke ..

we went to mells house ..
watched take the lead and shes the man ..
then eat food .. talk crap .. have fun =)
the dinner was SUPERB.
roast pork, kangkong, chilli fish , brown rice and soup ..

then we play .. i love o2jam .. =)
then we playplayplayplay ..
then we play somemore ..
then mell went to sleep with fluffy,
lindsay used com ..
useuseuseuseuuse ..
stepupstepupstepupstepup,
then my turn ..
jamminjammingjammingjamming ..
until three thirty .. then tried to sleep ..
but mell was taking like HALF THE BED ..
even though she OBVIOUSLY doesnt need it,
and lindsay took the three quarters of the REMAINING SPACE ..
so i was squashed.
yes.

this is a REALLY LONG POST.

well. something happened yesterday that totally changed my mood about the week.
it should have been a wonderful day .. church .. carolling .. with friends ..
before starting on a new week, filled with promises and appointments with friends.
how quickly everything changes.
it began with my mum refusing to send me to church.

that in itself isnt much, unless you knew the background.
she knew i was running late. by refusing to send me there,
she was plainly expressing her distaste for church.
something i knew she always felt.
she actually never wanted me to go to church.
waste of time .. and her money.

then later, while i was turning off the computer, she went off in the car.
to fetch my father from the airport, without bothering to wait for me.
what was worse, i was feeling really stretched yesterday, what with missing church and all.
it wasnt as if i had a pleasant restful sleep the night before.

i was really mad, and started throwing stuff about.
i was at the degree at which no matter how many time i kicked the chair,
my feet felt no pain.
it was as if my anger was numbing my wounds.
freaky.

but, oh well. look on ahead. ive started watching tsubasa chronicles today.
surprise surprise, im addicted.
going over to mell's house tmr for a sleepover ..
hope she doesnt snore.
on wednesday going with teacher on a movie treat for those in my chinese class.
on thursday signing up for some classes.
constant self inprovement, eh ? =)

im really rambling.
sorry for boring you all with my schedule.
if anyone even bothers to read this.
kenton came over today.
remind me to set aside seventy cents the next time he calls.
will do to save me alot of trouble, because i dont know if hes addicted to cup noodles,
or just plain starving.

God bless steven with a safe and enjoyable trip in indonasia =)
may the sun not take its toll on our groups delicate boyboy =)

and to varsha for a safe trip to bali next sunday, when, hopefully, ill be in church =)
jiayan, contrary to your expectations, i am not a lazy baka.

with that cleared up, ill make my exit =)

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